I am pleased to say (knock on wood), that I have cultivated a pretty flippin' impressive immune system within this temple of mine. Probiotics, green-tea, exercise, low-stress, laughing randomly, licking raw chicken packages, kissing my kids' runny noses: these are just some of the ways in which I have elevated my white blood cell count and lined my gut with germ killing flora. Despite living in a home chalk-a-block with boogery-boys, I have managed to ward off illness to the point where I only get sick, on average, once per annum. Being super-immune comes at a price though. Because I'm so unconditioned to viruses, when one does hit, it causes me catastrophic over-reaction and whining (man style!). But the sympathy I get from those around me, helps to heal.
Right now, as I struggle to type this blog entry, face pallid, nostrils chapped, I am victim to one such bug - "the common cold". Allow me to vent: first off, I am offended that we call it the common cold! For some of us, it ain't so common and therefor can't just be shrugged off as a ho-hum everyday occurrence. Why are we so quick to dismiss its ugliness? And it's U-G-L-Y!
Symptoms such as:
Swallowing gingerly only to feel like a dozen straight-edged razors are lacerating your larynx
A nose dripping like the rusty faucet of an abandoned gas-station bathroom
Eyes glazed over with a jelly-like film, only marginally disguising the candy-cane striping on the iris
A cough that sounds like a basset-hound with its privates caught in a rabbit snare
A mouth drier than sponge-taffy from taking on all of the breathing duties
A head that feels as though it was recently injected with 20 pounds of concrete...that's solidified
Greasy hair...not sure why it looks and feels greasy...maybe it's a side-effect of being too cold to want to bathe...
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| Healthy |
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| The hideous are never healthy. |
Anyway, it blows (literally)! How can anyone be so flippant as to call it "The Common Cold"? I think we all need more sympathy via a name that sounds much more alarmist and serious. You'd get a lot more than an "Awww" and some Ginger-ale from Grandma if it was called:
The Beast Within (an element of unpredictable danger)
The Massive Mega Virus (very MGM/Hollywood)
Boogeritis (too gross to require a description)
Mucoma (my fave...sounds deadly!)
Leave Me The Bleep Alone-itis (add "itis" to anything and double up on sympathy!)
Blow-crack-n'-bleed syndrome (this one, guaranteed nobody wants to ask about).
If you want people to pity you for having a common cold, then you need to up the ante and milk it - big-time! If you're looking for inspiration, copy whatever the man in your life already does. Men are genetically superior at acting as though a cold will kill them...immanently. It's a natural gift. We women can learn from them. I sure have!! Just check out my diary entry from today:
Cold War: Day 5 Update
Mucous has retreated following a battle of nose blowing that lasted well into 3 days and 3 nights. Enemy phlegm slowly advancing up lungs into throat...forcing coughs that in turn force gagging, that in turn forces blobs of green goop up throat and into mouth...I will fight and I will win...damn you head-cold!!!
Stay healthy ladies... Adieu from the cold war...
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