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Surviving the Cold War: fighting phlegm, a guide to gaining sympathy.


I am pleased to say (knock on wood), that I have cultivated a pretty flippin' impressive immune system within this temple of mine.  Probiotics, green-tea, exercise, low-stress, laughing randomly, licking raw chicken packages, kissing my kids' runny noses: these are just some of the ways in which I have elevated my white blood cell count and lined my gut with germ killing flora.  Despite living in a home chalk-a-block with boogery-boys, I have managed to ward off illness to the point where I only get sick, on average, once per annum.  Being super-immune comes at a price though.  Because I'm so unconditioned to viruses, when one does hit, it causes me catastrophic over-reaction and whining (man style!).   But the sympathy I get from those around me, helps to heal.

Right now, as I struggle to type this blog entry, face pallid, nostrils chapped, I am victim to one such bug - "the common cold".   Allow me to vent: first off, I am offended that we call it the common cold!  For some of us, it ain't so common and therefor can't just be shrugged off as a ho-hum everyday occurrence.  Why are we so quick to dismiss its ugliness?  And it's U-G-L-Y!

Symptoms such as:
Swallowing gingerly only to feel like a dozen straight-edged razors are lacerating your larynx
A nose dripping like the rusty faucet of an abandoned gas-station bathroom
Eyes glazed over with a jelly-like film, only marginally disguising the candy-cane striping on the iris
A cough that sounds like a basset-hound with its privates caught in a rabbit snare
A mouth drier than sponge-taffy from taking on all of the breathing duties
A head that feels as though it was recently injected with 20 pounds of concrete...that's solidified
Greasy hair...not sure why it looks and feels greasy...maybe it's a side-effect of being too cold to want to bathe...
Healthy


The hideous are never healthy. 
 


Anyway, it blows (literally)! How can anyone be so flippant as to call it "The Common Cold"?  I think we all need more sympathy via a name that sounds much more alarmist and serious.  You'd get a lot more than an "Awww" and some Ginger-ale from Grandma if it was called:

The Beast Within (an element of unpredictable danger)
The Massive Mega Virus (very MGM/Hollywood)
Boogeritis (too gross to require a description)
Mucoma (my fave...sounds deadly!)
Leave Me The Bleep Alone-itis (add "itis" to anything and double up on sympathy!)
Blow-crack-n'-bleed syndrome (this one, guaranteed nobody wants to ask about).

If you want people to pity you for having a common cold, then you need to up the ante and milk it - big-time! If you're looking for inspiration, copy whatever the man in your life already does.  Men are genetically superior at acting as though a cold will kill them...immanently. It's a natural gift.  We women can learn from them.  I sure have!!  Just check out my diary entry from today:

Cold War: Day 5 Update
Mucous has retreated following a battle of nose blowing that lasted well into 3 days and 3 nights. Enemy phlegm slowly advancing up lungs into throat...forcing coughs that in turn force gagging, that in turn forces blobs of green goop up throat and into mouth...I will fight and I will win...damn you head-cold!!! 

Stay healthy ladies... Adieu from the cold war...


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