My boys are good boys...most of the time. But there are days (we all have them) when I am a mere mouse-click away from posting their pics and profiles on Ebay and auctioning them off to the first nut-job bidder. To quell my rage and seek advice, I used to turn to parenting books for solace, guidance and reassurance. But as I've grown older and lazier, I have come to realise that reading books requires effort, proper lighting and two hands to hold the book- difficult to do with an aquarium-sized glass of Sauvignon Blanc in my left...and the classy box it dispenses from in my right. So alas, I have come to rely on the ever-dependable and always hands-free reality television as my guide to becoming a better Mom. More specifically, I am a disciple of everyone's favourite reproductive dynamos, the Duggars from good ol' Arkansas (as seen 24/7 on TLC).
First off, let's just take Jim-Bob Duggar right out of this discussion, because I think it is pretty obvious that apart from some great swimmers below the belt and the world's most awesome side-part, his contribution to a household with 19 kids is pretty weak. But Michelle Duggar- holy crow!! How does this lady survive daily life with all those kids and all those meals and all that laundry and after all those pregnancies...? To her I say, "Madame, you are amazing- a true heroine of domesticity and childrearing...and also, I completely get why you only wear denim muumuus...because I know what my gut looks like after only three kids...two words: cottage cheese!"
A few days ago, I watched as Michelle, my heroine, wrangled her litter of J-named tots, tykes, tweens and teens into a van so ridiculously large, it could legally be considered a locomotive. As the camera zoomed in on the clean, neatly-combed and smiling faces of all 19 kids, eagerly hopping aboard, I flashedback to my most recent trip to a local Tim Hortons for an extra-large double-double and three Timbits. The boarding of my bus, was not as smooth. There I sat in the driver's seat, honking impatiently in the confines of my hot, smelly garage whilst my three non J-named spawns crammed through the door fighting over who was going to sit where. Yelling, pushing, shoeless, bed-headed... What's her secret? She makes it look so easy!!
This past Tuesday, I thought it would be pretty neat if I channeled my inner-Michelle and really tried to become her- in the physical sense. Just maybe, the parenting prophecies that she preaches would come more naturally to me if I looked the part. Now as you know, Michelle Duggar does not wear makeup. As you may also know, I have never (and I mean NEVER) NOT worn makeup. I put on extra makeup in labour so that my baby birth pics would look good. So I knew that this first part of the transformation was going to be tough. But as luck would have it, I was getting a facial at the local spa once the kids got on the bus (sorry- not doing the home-schooling- no way!) so that could be my fresh start from there. At 11am, cleansed, pores exposed to the world, my facial skin made its debut in town as I drove home, visor flipped down and oversized sunglasses shielding my insecurities from the world (or more like the six random strangers my van passed on my route home). Once back on the homestead I thought, "What next? What would Michelle do after her facial?" It is then that I went upstairs to search for some homemade, loose-fitting, unflattering jean dress with built-in dickie for added modesty. The closest thing I could find was a factory-made pair of designer denim jeans and a form-fitting top, for those with no modesty. As I quickly dusted my face with mineral makeup I thought, "Wow- this assignment is tough". But come on, how can one's appearance alter their parenting? The secret I realised must be in her sweet-as-sugar, soft, whispery voice. She never raises her voice- ever! She's always talking as if she's just kissed a baby..and chances are, she has. When the kids arrived off the bus, I greeted them with just such a voice. "Welcome home my darlings," I whispered with a smile as they completely ignored me and barged through the door, pillaging the cupboards for food.
Well, I'm no quitter! Tomorrow is another day for TV, wine and more Michelle! If she can make it look easy, well then...what the heck's wrong with the rest of us?
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