Halloween. A night of little goblins and ghosts running amok, neighbourhoods shroud in orange and black, the sound of giggles, the thud of cheap candy filling up pillow-cases and the pitter-patter of hyperactive feet racing about, one house to the next. Oh it all sounds so magical doesn't it? I guess everything does- in a perfect world!
But in my world on Halloween night it's different- much different. Let me tell you, why I rank Halloween #1 (that's right, top spot) in the category of "Stupid Occasions I Wish Had Been Phased Out The Day My Kids Were Born".
Here's what my world looks like on a typical Halloween:
5pm: A trio of boys comprised of Bossy (#1), Needy (#2) and Demanding (#3) form an alliance and suddenly decide that the costumes I spent two weeks making (in order to prove my advanced skills in Housewifery) are either:
a) not cool enough
b) itchy
c) flammable
d) all of the above (especially once they realise I won't budge on giving them an out).
5:02pm: Needy is head-to-toe in the homemade costume, eager to prove that he's the best son (poor middle-child syndrome). He is also giving me a back massage and telling me that he loves me more than the others do.
5:30pm: Bossy and Demanding are hold outs. They are trying to lure Needy to the dark side with promises of candy that at this point, they will definitely not be getting.
6:00pm: Bossy and Demanding cave and dutifully suit-up, eyes moist with tears and resentment- especially since my dry-run practices with Needy yielded him a sugar-laden pre-event lollipop! (oh, that move always works!).
6-6:30pm: In a pathetic attempt to make my costumes look more store-bought and professional, I take turns slashing eyeliner and brush-loads of my best brown eye shadows across the Trios' cheeks and foreheads. Because real werewolves obviously wear M.A.C. cosmetics... I do all of this to distract from my main anxiety...the one thing I fear and loath most about this night- CANDY!
6:30pm: We depart for the streets and the Trio is pumped for about 6 seconds until they reach the end of the driveway and come face-to-face with their friends- none of whom are collecting candy in a bag as tiny and pathetic as the Ziplock-sized one I've provided. Still, they carry-on...despite knowing that their meagre haul of sugary junk will still be enough for me to launch into my post-event nutritional seminar.
7:15pm: Having done a full loop of the street (yes, they only do one street...but it is pretty big!) they race indoors to warm up, compare booty and completely ignore my nutritional seminar.
8:00pm: They are asleep, nothing but a stubborn smear of eyeliner left on their cheeks. They dream of more candy whilst over-processed sugars rot their baby teeth.
The rule in this house is that you can keep 15 candies, and the rest go back in my distribution bucket to appease the costume-less teenage boys and the slutty teenage girls who will inevitably ring the bell at 9:30pm.
And although only 15 candies are allotted to each kid, just the mere sight of them slurping and drooling on these saliva-inducing blobs of artificial sweetness literally makes my stomach ache. And isn't it curious that although the Trio have a total of 45 candies (ugh....I can't even type that number) I will continue to find hundreds upon hundreds of empty wrappers in every nook, cranny and cushion of this house for an entire year?! Also, quite curious, is that despite scientific evidence to the contrary, my kids do indeed experience hyperactivity, mood swings and overall, become little jerks when so much as a single piece of candy passes their lips. Last year, Needy literally lunged at me, bottom-teeth bared as I frantically attempted to remove an unauthorized treat from his clutches- yes, Needy the people-pleaser middle-child! This is not a great occasion, ok folks? We can do better...like maybe another Christmas in October...or double up on Thanksgiving instead... My kids literally transform into monsters from this stuff- they won't even need a costume this year!
Trick or Treat they ask? I'll take a glass of wine and two Advil instead. Then I'll close my eyes and fantasize that the Peanut/Gluten/Dairy-free activists put an end to it all!!
But in my world on Halloween night it's different- much different. Let me tell you, why I rank Halloween #1 (that's right, top spot) in the category of "Stupid Occasions I Wish Had Been Phased Out The Day My Kids Were Born".
Here's what my world looks like on a typical Halloween:
5pm: A trio of boys comprised of Bossy (#1), Needy (#2) and Demanding (#3) form an alliance and suddenly decide that the costumes I spent two weeks making (in order to prove my advanced skills in Housewifery) are either:
a) not cool enough
b) itchy
c) flammable
d) all of the above (especially once they realise I won't budge on giving them an out).
5:02pm: Needy is head-to-toe in the homemade costume, eager to prove that he's the best son (poor middle-child syndrome). He is also giving me a back massage and telling me that he loves me more than the others do.
5:30pm: Bossy and Demanding are hold outs. They are trying to lure Needy to the dark side with promises of candy that at this point, they will definitely not be getting.
6:00pm: Bossy and Demanding cave and dutifully suit-up, eyes moist with tears and resentment- especially since my dry-run practices with Needy yielded him a sugar-laden pre-event lollipop! (oh, that move always works!).
6-6:30pm: In a pathetic attempt to make my costumes look more store-bought and professional, I take turns slashing eyeliner and brush-loads of my best brown eye shadows across the Trios' cheeks and foreheads. Because real werewolves obviously wear M.A.C. cosmetics... I do all of this to distract from my main anxiety...the one thing I fear and loath most about this night- CANDY!
6:30pm: We depart for the streets and the Trio is pumped for about 6 seconds until they reach the end of the driveway and come face-to-face with their friends- none of whom are collecting candy in a bag as tiny and pathetic as the Ziplock-sized one I've provided. Still, they carry-on...despite knowing that their meagre haul of sugary junk will still be enough for me to launch into my post-event nutritional seminar.
7:15pm: Having done a full loop of the street (yes, they only do one street...but it is pretty big!) they race indoors to warm up, compare booty and completely ignore my nutritional seminar.
8:00pm: They are asleep, nothing but a stubborn smear of eyeliner left on their cheeks. They dream of more candy whilst over-processed sugars rot their baby teeth.
The rule in this house is that you can keep 15 candies, and the rest go back in my distribution bucket to appease the costume-less teenage boys and the slutty teenage girls who will inevitably ring the bell at 9:30pm.
And although only 15 candies are allotted to each kid, just the mere sight of them slurping and drooling on these saliva-inducing blobs of artificial sweetness literally makes my stomach ache. And isn't it curious that although the Trio have a total of 45 candies (ugh....I can't even type that number) I will continue to find hundreds upon hundreds of empty wrappers in every nook, cranny and cushion of this house for an entire year?! Also, quite curious, is that despite scientific evidence to the contrary, my kids do indeed experience hyperactivity, mood swings and overall, become little jerks when so much as a single piece of candy passes their lips. Last year, Needy literally lunged at me, bottom-teeth bared as I frantically attempted to remove an unauthorized treat from his clutches- yes, Needy the people-pleaser middle-child! This is not a great occasion, ok folks? We can do better...like maybe another Christmas in October...or double up on Thanksgiving instead... My kids literally transform into monsters from this stuff- they won't even need a costume this year!
Trick or Treat they ask? I'll take a glass of wine and two Advil instead. Then I'll close my eyes and fantasize that the Peanut/Gluten/Dairy-free activists put an end to it all!!
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| Demanding and Needy look more like Barf from Spaceballs than they do Werewolves...so much for homemade! |
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